Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, my fellow crawlbots…

Even if the last days were not that eventful than the ones before, I want to take the oppotunity to tell you what happened. Wendsday, while i was waiting for Caro (like I do again right now) i witnessed some very amusing things. It seemed that there was an bike test of the local special school. It was a bit funny to watch that children driving in circles for hours ;), shouting strange things. Friday i had a lot of work to do at the shop so i was there the whole day, but still had a lot of time to relay in the evening, drinking tea and chilling… Saturday I was in the shop again, because I had to design some advertisements for our special offers. Its hard, if you have the guideline to do that with Microsoft Word, so i worked on that the whole day. In the afternoon I went to IKEA, with the friend i’ll share the new flat with, do get an overview about that heap of furniture, we will need. We saw a lot of nice things and I finally got an idea if the room I want to live in. In the evening, he picked up his girlfriend and we went to Emmerich/Elten, to pick up another friend of mine. The rest of the evening resulted in talkin strange things, drinking tea and … some things that I don’t want to mention in the public about that other friend he did not accompany us the whole evening. Thats all I want to say, not to mispicture him in the public. Yesterday I did finally set up the BCM4710 based Gateway with OpenWRT. It really works very well now and takes only 7W peak :). That will keep away mothers rolling pin from my head ;). Yes, the bills are very unfair right now. It was a bit tricky to set it up because the documentation had some rather annoying spikes… i’ll try to fix it..

Till then, ill keep you informed.

Joel

…left less space for the things, happened yesterday. Its was somehow sad, but also long needed. Its like that, that we often even don’t know what we expect to happen to get happy.
Yesterday was the first day of Caros Abitur exams and I asked her to drink a coffee with me after her first exam. The school is right beside the shop where I work, so that hadn’t been much afford, but a lot of fun. I usually start working 12:00 these days but I was at the shop at 10:00 already, to meet Caro if she finishes earlier. It was all dark at the shop and Marc (one chef of mine) hadn’t yet arrived, so I stood in front of the main window and waited… waited for her to show up. During that i listened to a very good CD, i even got yesterday…. one song sais “She has no time” … and made me somehow feel sad. I wished that she would just come around the corner with a smile on her face, but she didn’t … . I was standing there until at around 11:00 Marc arrived and we started working. As we unpacked the packages with deliveries, she passed by the window, with a face that nearly made me cry… but she went further to the city, didn’t remember my question… it made me so sad that whole day.

At work i reorganized all the cables, which kept me from thinking, i repaired some systems, which also kept me from thinking. Thinking about people you like can kill you, i’m sure. So i didn’t think about that the whole day, but felt very sad.

At home, i talked to my very best friend, and she and i decided to change our whole life into something we can get happy with. I also talked to her about Caro and my feelings, but i think its just a question of time, if i can ever talk to her without falling in love again.
We both decided to look after each other… and i am very happy to have her as a friend. So thank you for saving my life again

Till then, its just me and my stars again…

After calling my employer, I got free for today. Its just today, but it will give me enough time to tidy up my room a bit and relax my back (uhh… it still really hurts!). Its time to tidy up some things in a bigger context, tough.

..free… you might have suspected me to say that when you read the headline, didn’t you? I think I got you. But the sad side is: nothing is really free.perhaps theres something we did for getting something we want any time we get something. Sometimes I have that feeling. But thats not what I wanted to talk about.

Its a call to everyone to whom it matters how people feel. Its a call to save their souls, the lost ones, the sad ones, the lonely ones and so on. I suspect our society to overlook most problems of other people on purpose and after that complain about the consequences. If we all would just care a bit more about those people around us, there were so many smiles more in this world…. but never mind. Best things in life are gone because noone cares… but we can still get them back!

In those times, when I am thinking a lot about my friends and fellows, I realize, that I’ve gotten more dependant on some people than I thought. The person, I depend on most once said to me “If you want me to give a good advice to you, don’t get too close to people, cause this might hurt you and them more than you might want!”. Actually she was right, but sometime it seems like one has to be hurt to see, that one is still living and theres still life! Even though its very ironic, that I was depending on her more than she might have realized in that monent already, when she told me so.

I believe there is some kind of people, which I call usually “Seelenmensch” (”Human with a soul” translated literally). Those people are easily hurt and broken, if life judges them wrong. Sometimes I think I am one of those, too and sometimes again, I think it can be much worse. I feel sad when I recall that it are always the good ones to be hurt and broken. It are always those who can’t beare more than they already carry and those who can’t let go of their old precious feelings. Those who know me a bit longer might have notices that I am much like that, too. I am unable to let go. This is what keeps me from advancing and what keeps me from being happy, but it also keeps me alive. I often realize that I am not alone with that feelings, and even if it might hurt me to be like that, I am happy I am, because this helps me to help others.

Have a good night and wake up with a happy and confident face

your starseeker (who seems to be looking into a pool of shiny little stars on his heaven all night long, trying to make the fading ones shine again)

For those who carefully read the last things I wrote, there’ll be no difficulties in understanding what I’ll be writing now. Some things change very quick hand hasty and so I now know when the day approaches, that i fear most. Theres still time I have to manage some things, but, as i said to a good friend of mine, “whats a year besides the fear of loosing someone important”. There are several thoughts on my mind, about leaving the country after studium and work in a country far away. I’ve already started learning their scripture and language will follow very soon.
Theres one thing on my mind that keeps me living right now and makes me willing to survive. You can only reach wour aims, if you start walking. Just waiting won’t get you anywhere. So I’m still walking, if i stumble, it will all be over.

Apart from that, perhaps, i’m currently learning to say “no”. Its just a question of being rude, thats not very familiar to me. But some people are just consider help as a certain thing. But be sure, I won’t start being ignorant, but perhaps just a bit more certain about my freetime.

Today I’m creating Katakana vowel signs and stick them all over my place. Its easyer to learn the meanings of those unfamiliar signs, if you get familiar to them. Its a bit difficult and I wish i had started earlier with that, but I consider it just as a matter of keeping moving ;).

When talking about moving, there are some more things on my mind. Plans about moving away have grown a bit in the last hours. Perhaps, today, a friend of mine is coming along with a form to fill out for getting a flat. This matches the topic again, because its saying goodbye (I’m accidently typing “goodbyte” all the time, so i NEED A VACATION!) to my old surroundings. Everyday, if I do a new design installation in my room, hanging some pictures on the wall or stuff like that its just a strange feeling that asks me “Does this still make sense? You’re moving away soon! Don’t overdo it with making this place feel comfortable!”. Its perhaps redicolous, but a bit scary, too. If I was younger, everytime, I was picturing myself in the furure, for example in a job or somethig, it was my room or another familiar place I saw myself in. Its strange that we humans are so terribly unflexible, like sticking in our old places!

But let this be enough talk for today!

Your starseeker (who has long found but never reached his star so far)

These days, I’m heavily overloaded with things, so excuse that I’ve not written anything since over a week! Its likely to be like that when I promise to do something regulary, I’ll totaly mess up everything. I’m not the kind of guy, who likes regularity. Sad story though.

But I’m not only late with the blog, I’m late with everything, especially with getting some things clear with myself. Some things are still on my mind, like saying goodbye to the person I like most in this screwed up life. I’m not even sure if i have to, but things are getting worse in my head even if I think of having to. Its the old story with love and not getting it, everyone experieces somtimes in life. But I’m maybe attracting this feelings a bit. It ends up there everytime I fall in love. Its likely to believe, that I might have gotten experience with handling those situations, but its a fault to think that you can be experienced in dealing with love. Its like everytime you get here again its a different situation, but the same feeling, nowhere to go, nothing to do but just suffer. Its over a year now i’m in this state and I don’t know how to get out of here. So you see, I’m very late.

Work currently does 3 things to me: First one, keeping me active and apart from being depressed. Second one, keeping me from meeting new people, cause the customers are all the same, not very kind and not someone you want to meet regulary. Third one: prooving me, being late. Its like I delay every job I get at minimum a day. I dont know how long my chef’s will watch that. Its a bit difficult. I’m so tired of these things and I’m feeling a bit depressed about the fact, that I cant advance in social meanings, but still step on the same place as before because of this job. I’m working 12:00 to 21:00 there and its Monday to Friday. On the weekends people still bother me with computer things and I have no more time for the things important to me, whis is my friends and even the thing we talked about before, called love and not getting it… not mentioned my own situation and organisation of life! Do you believe me that its quite depressing for me to realize that some people take my work as just natural, even if I show up private at a customer after 22:00 to fix his broken PC or such because he has some MAJOR IMPORTANT work to do (like watching pr0n pictures or whatever) and I get NOTHING in return?! Its not the money i’m after, its a warm word like “Thank you that you’re doing that.” or “Can i do something in return?”. People don’t look after each other that much. THATS what makes me sad. Its sad, too that i’m only “the guy who fixes computers” to most people I know. Why!? I think I’m so much more than that! If you want, get to know me and I’ll try to proove you. But please be patient, because i’m hurt by the fact I have to talk about computers all the day… so it might take a while till I get used to you.

The last thing I’m late with is saying I’m sorry to my friends, who are in a hard time right now. Its not like I’m a guy who puts work before friends… its just my disability to say “no” if someone asks me a favour (Caro, if you might read that, its not you I talk about here, if you have problems with your PC or anything else, whatever it is, please feel free to ask me at any time.). Time will pass by and I’ll be there for you. I’m really sorry, and i’ll work on that.
I’m late with saing thank you, too, so I’m triing to put it this way: Thank You, all the people who support me, my good friends, you are keeping me alive right now with your presence and with showing me that you are there. I hope you’ll always be (i’m crying right now, sorry for that). Please don’t leave, cause you’re everything left for me.

I promise, i’ll change! Till then

… woud be the right stanza for the state I am in or I wished to be in. I’m currently just thinking of so many things, I never believed to be thinking about. The time of departure has nearly come, to ove away from the things i knew for over 20 ears now. Its time to go to new plaes, meet new people i think. Thats what moves me to tears sometimes. Its likely to believe that moving to a new place means leaving the old one, with all the memorys and people, gathered in the long time of being there. But I hope someone or something will prove me being wrong with that. Its like I do not want to believe that this might happen. I don’t want this to happen.
Now its on me to keep the connction to my old friends if i don want to lose them, and I’ll do my very best.
Thank you all for being with me this long time.

But funny things happened to this week. My cellphone exploded, I was given an old Siemens 9733-10 Terminal machine i’ve always dreamed of and its the first saturday of this month, which means Linux User Group meeting. Cheer up! :). Its time to be happy and I hope I can stay like this for a while.

Till then!