…you might hear me whipser… yes. Stay tuned. Today, I decided to start podcasting, as soon as my interface arrives (the input for the MICs and the MIDI stuff). I will read my blog for you, perhaps sing some songs sometime, read the stories I write, all sourrounded by the sound of the music I like. If you like it, just stay tuned… I’ll keep you informed.
Nothing more to say, Hay!
The Starseeker, who is still not clear about himself
Yesterday, the day at work was, again, very exhausting. I was tired and unrelaxed, when I came home. As I walked down the way to our house, my grandparents and my parents were sitting in the garden, with a fire on and were eating a cake. I was surprised and happy to have the opportunity to relax without having to talk about computer problems again. Because our fireplace is near the small garden house, which I declared as the “J.Songs Audio Studio”, I started smooth Mark Knopfler Music and we alltogether chilled the whole evening. Later my mother told me about a postcard, that had arrived for me. Because I am not mailed that often, and if I am, it is mostly advertising, business or just nasty spam mail, I was very surprised. I was even more, when I noticed that it was personally dedicated to me :). My cousin Carla mailed me a very nice “Theres sunshine after the rain”-postcard, she drew herself, to make me shine again. What a success. It really worked out. Even if we talk nearly everyday and became a lot closer than I thought it would be possible, she sent me a postcard to make me smile again. Just the thought, that theres still someone who cares will make the next days a lot easier.
*plays* The Cardigans - Rise and Shine
Have a nice day, I’ve now to go to work.
Your Starseeker
There is some tendence in me, that tends to push strange sounds into my brain sometimes. Some weeks ago, when I was sitting in my “Studio”, experimenting with my new freinds, the synthies, I had the idea of a melody, played it all night through… yesterday, I accitendly recorded it… and, not to waste it, equipted it with some strange *klingcrashboom*-allround-gadgets noone wants to hear ;). It sounded strange and I, for a moment, was scared of myself. Technology wants you to be able to take part in this acustical nightmare HERE. It was, basicly, supposed to sound like a sad russian theme… but ended up sounding like a large car accident.
My current Linux Audio Workstation (LAW) is a bit weak, when it comes to performance… thats not what one wants, when it comes to Multi Track audio editing. It might be, that is, because its a Celeron D 2.66… and lacks Floating Point performance. Because I wanted to get rid of this brake to me crativeness, I, today, ordered my new Audio Workstation, one of the yummi AMD64 X2 (because I do not want to scare you, I’ll hereby tell you that its the smallest one… the 3800+). I hope it will work, because the motherboard will be a bit tricky on linux, if I can trust this Blog. I will do my very best :).
Music keeps me alive. Thank you.
The Starseeker…
Hi there. After that last week I hoped, I’d have a nice weekend… but all hopes vanished today, when my collegue came and asked “could you please install that box tomorrow?”.. Well that. Its saturday tomorrow and its been a while that I had a nice weekend… hmm. This will be messy again.
The day before yesterday, the university sent me a letter and… approved me for both studie courses… I hope they don’t turn out to be study curses. Thats good news after all…
But theres not much to report among that. Beside the fact, that the lonelynes inside me gets stronger and stronger. It makes me tired. I’m more tired than i’ve ever been before in my life. Even though I can hardly sleep. Its terrible (and just nobody seems to care).
The starseeker
… yes it can. Even if that sentence seems to lack sense, it doesn’t. My work ended later than I thought today (who is surprised by that? nobody? well… oh … i’m SO surprised) and I was back at 18:00 instead of 14:00. Now I am sitting here, relaxing to “Tokyodawn Records - Prymer - In our Pockets”. Its a mix I really like, cause it has some really nice parts for dreaming, just sitting there, thinking of nothing or just blog ;). Its surprising, how music can turn your day right. Even if something went wrong, music can just make you forget it all in a flash. I like that feeling a lot and I like my precious earplugs, that I always have with me, and therefore have that feeling with me all the time, always, if I need it.
Netmusic is another beautiful thing. There are people, who just make music, cause they like to. Some like to sing, some like to play with the synthies, some like mastering and some just like giving away hosting space ;). Those people all together make a beautiful community, which produces a lot of music precious to me. Thanks to all the kahvi artists (here), all the thinner sound junkies (here), all the tokyodawn friends (here) and, of cause, Tang Kai of the camomille netlabel (here), who created one of the most beatiful sounds (look for release #67) i’ve ever found on the net.
Have a lot of fun, while traveling my musical dream world. Some of my stars are there 
The Starseeker
My fellow friends, the last two weeks were terrible. Too much work, too less time to think and absolutely no day, on which I didn’t have to work. Yesterday, it was sunday, I got many calls from a friens of the family, complaining about a toner, he bought at our shop. He asked, if I could come by. Terrible. (of course I did not come by)
Apart from all the work, yesterday, I took my time to get into short stories again. I wrote two (one is a book that will be continued, one is a single) of those and am proud of them, because I think, that they are not bad. German readers are perhaps able to enjoy reading them on my Public Short Story portal (Stories.JPN), the Ebook here, the other story here. Both happen not to be very funny.
Its time to get to work again. Even that one free day of the week, my chef took from me to set up another server for our company, because he wants to sell the “old” one (which is a Celeron D 2.66). He made me replace it with a 2x 450Mhz P2 aginst my will. The “new” one takes more than twice the power of the “old” one… but I don’t pay the bills, so nevermind.
Have a nice day and please please talk to Hyatt, cause I’ve been very busy lately. Maybe someone can tell her, that i’ll give her fresh water later on? Thank you!
The Starseeker
Hi… this is Hyatt again… we guess you’ve already forgotten us. Since we have been very busy, we could not write anything! We improved our roots to fill the whole bottom of the vase we’re in. Isn’t that great?! We also made our leafes grow. Perhaps our lazy master is able to give us some fresh water this time, cause this would be great and refreshing.
Farewell… Hyatt
… I am sitting here, watching the walls, waiting for nothing particular to happen. I am feeling worthless and if you would ask me for something, that fills my inner soul with the courage to go on, the answer was “First, the vague supposition, that I am needed by someone… second, the smile from the day before yesterday”. I’m feeling terrible… that must be the feeling, if something leaves you and leaves behind a big hole when theres nothing to fill it with. Why are there holes anyway? Perhaps, they let us realize, that something is missing… A song by Garbage says “…there is a hole inside my heart, where all of my love comes pouring out.”. If I remember correctly, its “Nobody loves you”. How interesting… *sigh*
I sometimes think, what might be, if I weren’t alone… what would I do? With whom would I be? When I do that, I often get very melancholic and quiet. Yesterday, while driving the last damned screws into a system, I had to build (I again was alone at the shop) the doorbell rang and a customer entered the shop. I was just thinking about all that stuff, that goes through my head these days and thereby very apathic. I walked through that green curtain, that divides the room into a shop area and a personell only work area. Then I saw her. She was standing there, gazing out of the window with her cute little head and didn’t notice me a few seconds. I welcomed her and asked, how I could help her. She smiled at me and asked for floppies. Sadly, we didn’t have any left and I searched the whole shop for some old and used ones. I found 4 and handed them out to her, what made her smile even more (with a gratefulness that i’ve never seen before). She thanked me and, after asking if she could bring her PC for a checkup, left the shop. I was smiling the whole rest of the day (and so it was very fine).
She seemed some years older than I am… and even if she comes back, there is no use of dreaming of her, but I just want to thank that strange girl for being there yesterday and make my day shine. She might have been one of those people, that visit you in the moment, when you are in the worst mood. She might have been one of the stars, I’m looking for.. maybe even more than that. Those rare moments are those, I’m living for, that make me smile again and give me the courage to go on.
These moments make me think about, if it was just a coincedence or if it was something else, whatever. Its strange… really strange.
When I walked home form work today, I had my iPod on again and was walking through the park while listening to Keane. I had the volume at max and although I was walking very slowly I approached a girl (about my age) and her granny, who were waling in front of me. When I was about 40m behind them, the girl turned around, looked at me and said something to her granny, she also turned and looked at me. Both stopped walking and waited until I had passed them. Then they walked on. While I was walking, I looked at the girls face… she was crying and her eyes were red, cause she reamed here eyes very much. I was sorry for her and I must have made a very strange look. She looked away and I walked on. I am still sorry for her…
In this situation, there were two questions on my mind. The first one.. why was that girl (she looked very nice, she had a beautiful face and you would perhaps also hate, to see her cry) crying? The other one… why did they stop and let me walk on by?! Do I have a THAT scary face? … sad. I know, that I should not care that much about the problems of people, I don’t even know but its something I seem to be helpless against… I am scared of breaking myself with that attitude… infixable… invisible, but feelable.
The light of the brightest star can’t reach you, if it is too far away.
See you all… the Starseeker
When will it stop? Thats the question, I ask myself these days way too often. Its because there is too much work and too little appreciation for my work. An example: Today, on the place, where all the system parts in the state “to be built” are aggregated, 2 large stacks of hardware were standing, no report, no order, nothing. Because I was alone (again) at the shop and there was very few to do, I started building them. Thats very normal, because we have, compared to the number of techicans (that is… two) a very high troughput of self-built systems and so there is no time for questions. NORMALLY, only ordered (and assured) system parts are stored in that area of my workspace by my chefs but TODAY it was different. My chef, who does all the head technician stuff is on vacation, so my (in these means) less experienced chef currently has to make it. He often seems very carefree, when talking about rules he set up by himself earlier. So… these two stacks where at my workplace (as he ordered “to be built”-stacks to be) and I started, turning them into ready machines. When I had already finished the first one and were about to finish the second one, my chef came back and was like “Oh my GOD! What did you do? These weren’t to be built! There were not even ordered…”. In my perplexity of the moment I asked him “Why then are those two damned stacks on the ‘TO BE _BUILT_’ Area of my workspace??” … and he .. “Well I was in a hurry, and a customer asked me to prepare everything for him to pick tose systems up. But i’m not sure he will.” Ahh… getting closer. But still i am very disappointed. He always wants us all to do our work autonomous, but he doesn’t provide the information, necessary for that and, even worse, failes to comply to the rules he sets up for us.
These days I am at the company from early morn’ till past 9:00PM… I work… and I work to be able to pay my audio equiptment… but still, I’m not respected as a worker but still just as a boy for everything. Often i am interrupted while doing something, that is on shedule to “Just set this RAM into the PC of my friend” or “Install the printer for customer XY very fast” for this guy. Next time I will tell him, whats my shedule like. I often don’t even have time for a lunch break and I start to hate work with this chef. He thinks he’s the great deal, but he isn’t. Thats enough of that for today… ’cause there are other things on my mind today, that are more important to me.
There days, when time gets crunshed into pieces and waves of frustration and disappointingness clash together above my head, I finally realize, how alone I am in my inner soul. Well, I have my friends, those who read that blog, those who don’t… and yes, i have many people to talk to, but every time I hear someone talk about “we” or “my girlfriend” with a smile, everything crashes down on me again. I often ask myself if its my fault… even if I don’t even have a single second in one week to get to know new people… of if its just the situation….but I beg every star on heaven, may it fall down on me, to be loved, to get to know the real me. I feel so uncomfortable these days, and with every day, I get more tired of that lonelyness. And sorry for those, who read this again and again and again… but thats the thing, that moves my heart since years. Noone wants to be loved by me… and nobody even wanted to try. Its something I often cry about these days.
The weekend before the last with Inoad and her friends was really nice. It was that nice, that there were so many things to tell, but because you wouldn’t understand a lot of them, because you weren’t there, I will leave it at that. Some of the pictures I took will be in my Gallery and you might guess, how nice it was.
The last days were really busy in many ways. First of all, MaBU visited me last week and we tried to clean the small house in my garden, that I have chosen to be my little recording and editing studio. We were not that succsessful but in the end, at least the windows have some factor of transparency again ;). I bought a new PC for that purpose and the software wasn’t such a hard thing to do, but still, all of the audio Hardware is missing.
When he left, I went to a DSLR-Meeting in Oberhausen with Michael, who wanted to get familiar with the scene around his new camera. There were many nice people, who showed nice photos. One of them was Elke (she has a gallery with her photos online). Because I am quite unsure, if i should spend that much money on a new camera, we had a long talk about the pros and contras of SLR and DSLR and finally, she convinced me of buying a EOS350d, too. That still has some time, cause the amount of money, one can spend on such a camera can be very high. The rest of the weekend, I spent in my new studio, studiing the art of sound synthesis and building synthie-chains, composing, writing lyrics and doing other stuff.
These were the things, happening. I’m looking forward to whatever might come
There are times, when feelings vanish. There are times, when they are gone. Currently, i’m feeling really nothing for anyone. I’m empty, but times may change.