When will it stop? Thats the question, I ask myself these days way too often. Its because there is too much work and too little appreciation for my work. An example: Today, on the place, where all the system parts in the state “to be built” are aggregated, 2 large stacks of hardware were standing, no report, no order, nothing. Because I was alone (again) at the shop and there was very few to do, I started building them. Thats very normal, because we have, compared to the number of techicans (that is… two) a very high troughput of self-built systems and so there is no time for questions. NORMALLY, only ordered (and assured) system parts are stored in that area of my workspace by my chefs but TODAY it was different. My chef, who does all the head technician stuff is on vacation, so my (in these means) less experienced chef currently has to make it. He often seems very carefree, when talking about rules he set up by himself earlier. So… these two stacks where at my workplace (as he ordered “to be built”-stacks to be) and I started, turning them into ready machines. When I had already finished the first one and were about to finish the second one, my chef came back and was like “Oh my GOD! What did you do? These weren’t to be built! There were not even ordered…”. In my perplexity of the moment I asked him “Why then are those two damned stacks on the ‘TO BE _BUILT_’ Area of my workspace??” … and he .. “Well I was in a hurry, and a customer asked me to prepare everything for him to pick tose systems up. But i’m not sure he will.” Ahh… getting closer. But still i am very disappointed. He always wants us all to do our work autonomous, but he doesn’t provide the information, necessary for that and, even worse, failes to comply to the rules he sets up for us.
These days I am at the company from early morn’ till past 9:00PM… I work… and I work to be able to pay my audio equiptment… but still, I’m not respected as a worker but still just as a boy for everything. Often i am interrupted while doing something, that is on shedule to “Just set this RAM into the PC of my friend” or “Install the printer for customer XY very fast” for this guy. Next time I will tell him, whats my shedule like. I often don’t even have time for a lunch break and I start to hate work with this chef. He thinks he’s the great deal, but he isn’t. Thats enough of that for today… ’cause there are other things on my mind today, that are more important to me.
There days, when time gets crunshed into pieces and waves of frustration and disappointingness clash together above my head, I finally realize, how alone I am in my inner soul. Well, I have my friends, those who read that blog, those who don’t… and yes, i have many people to talk to, but every time I hear someone talk about “we” or “my girlfriend” with a smile, everything crashes down on me again. I often ask myself if its my fault… even if I don’t even have a single second in one week to get to know new people… of if its just the situation….but I beg every star on heaven, may it fall down on me, to be loved, to get to know the real me. I feel so uncomfortable these days, and with every day, I get more tired of that lonelyness. And sorry for those, who read this again and again and again… but thats the thing, that moves my heart since years. Noone wants to be loved by me… and nobody even wanted to try. Its something I often cry about these days.
“…ad, I finally realize, how alone I am in my inner soul.” That’s why i work so much and sleep only every two or three days.
Greetings, Dominik
… and thats what I do, too. But I realized, that I am also loneley because I do that.