Archive for September, 2005

New experiences

Monday, September 26th, 2005

Hello again.

Since I told you, that Linux extremely sucks if you have support all the people, that start right in the middle, because they are too lazy to lern the basics, I today, nearly accidently, started beginning with FreeBSD. I really like it until now. Its all just a cd; make; make install; away from using. I hope that the machine has finished the basic stuff, before I have to go to work tomorrow.

Eimann is here, and, as over the time nearly usual, stays here over night, because we both “dis-orginated”, how he would get home. Yes, thats nerdish carefreeness ;).

We (Michael, Eimann and I) were kiting, taking photos and so on. I had a lot of fun and was nearly flying away with that kite ;).

If we are able to come through the night, we’ll be alive tomorrow. I have some doubts in that, because we are both so damned hungry and there is no food left in this house and no reasonable food store open near my place.

I am currently looking for a new city bike with all the nice features one wants to have to go from a to b by bike… if there are any recommendations from your side, let me know…

So… I hope you wish us the best ;)
Your starseeker

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One, Two… On Air!

Sunday, September 25th, 2005

Hello there…
Since I said, you should keep your ears on the screen (;)) some while ago, I’m now prodly presenting my first (and second) podcasting session on the net. Visit me and MaBU here and listen (if you can speak german, you might understand something…)

I hope you have a nice sleep… good night!
The Starseeker

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The penguins curse…

Friday, September 23rd, 2005

Well, hi there. Its been a while, since I came across a linux user in this town, that I didn’t know, but yesterday, during a short visit in the shop, my coworker was like “Whoo… thank god you’re here, I was looking for you for hours!” and I already suspected, that he had a “special job” for me. He’s currently installing DSL for a very complicated customer in a very easy environment. This customer owns a SuSE Linux 9.3 box, wants to do PPPoE with his Fritz BOX Fon and use it as a gateway for the Linux Box. The Fritz Box does DHCP and the PPPoE Line is up… what did my coworker do? He tried to establish a PPPoE connection via Kinternet… *sigh* and was like “Whaa!! Linux is soo complicated!” (No guy, you are). His words in original (translated): “I assinged a static IP to the box, but it didn’t use DHCP! The PPPoE Gateway didn’t respond…”.. and I already knew, that all was totally messed up. Today, i’m going to visit that customer and enable DHCP on his ethernet interface… that should be enough.

If you use Linux for a while and are, now, an experienced user, take this advice: NEVER… NEVER tell anyone, that you know something about Linux, until its a person you would hug delightfuly at once (which should be enough to reduce the circle of persons matching these criteria to a few). It will get you into a lot of trouble. Linux is for people, who are able to analyze and solve THOSE easy “problems” like using a gateway to connect to the internet by themselves. Its NOT for the common customer… and.. if you don’t want to waste the larger ammount of your lifetime in solving other peoples dumb problems, just give up on being the “Linux Missionaire”…

The Starseeker

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Dedicated singing…

Thursday, September 22nd, 2005

Hi there…
Today was another free day… yes… I really had freetime. And because on monday, the audio interface arrived, I was happy to be able to test it. It was a very nice day and now, on this beautiful evening, I do not feel uncomfortable anymore when I hear myself singing on the monitor speakers or the headphone ;). There is a result of that day, too. I sung a song, I wrote a few days ago for a friend, who felt uncomfortable. I hope, she’s better now. If you want to, you can also listen to that song, and even if it lacks intruments, I hope you can enjoy it (its my first vocal recording, so be a bit patent with my stupidity und unableability ;)).

Have a nice day tomorrow,
The Starseeker

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Busy Week…

Tuesday, September 20th, 2005

…and it just started. In the last year while I was working for that beautiful company ™, my impression of a weekend was massively revolved. Now, my week goes from Tuesday to Saturday and my weekend starts Sunday and ends Monday, if it starts… because sometimes, as you might guess, it doesn’t start at all. The current week seems to get a mess. Its hard to define, why I think so, but I do. Today, I got nothing done at the company and even if all the things I hoped for (not quite all but all material things) arrived already today, I feel like the whole me is missing. It has nothing to do with the weather and it keeps that way since about 5 Weeks now. Feeling tired, when getting up and going to bed, perhaps, might be normal, but feeling tired all time between, perhaps isn’t that well. I don’t want to be tired all along.

The last 3 nights, I closed the blinds… it’s been a while, since i’ve done that but my sleep was great. I hope it gets better with my current situation while I sleep. The dreams I dream at night speak a different language, than the things, that happen to me during the days. They give me the hope to go on. And my trust into dreams and their message starts to come back… the fear steps back further and further and thats a goot thing to feel.
If you don’t remember or don’t know, there is something you have to know, to understand, why I was afraid of dreams and still am a bit. There was a time, when my dreams were very realistic and seemed like the days I lived. In one dream, a good friend of mine committed suicide, right in front of me. She jumped down a tower in a big big forest. Two weeks later, I got a letter from her mother, telling me, that she had commited suicide… she jumped out of the window of their flat. Thats why… and even if it sounds easy to overcome… it was very much a shock for me.

Since that time, i’m writing poems, to get rid of those latent thoughts… that might crystalize in dreams like those.

See the stars, until we meet again.
The Starseeker

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And here it ends…

Saturday, September 17th, 2005

Hm… I hope, I didn’t shock you too much with that headline… I shocked myself also, but don’t be afraid, I wont stop living, blogging or loving, I just closed that big big open chapter in my life with the title “My passion for Caro”. Its some kind of sad, cause there was very much laughing and smiling inside… but there isn’t a person in this world, I spent more tears for, than her. Because I realized, that I feel a lot of pain, every time I browse that pages of my book of life, I, some weeks ago wrote that collection of thoughts (in german)
, that I, today, published on my Poetry portal. Its not that I push her to read it, I don’t even believe that would work. I just carry that hope in my heart, that, one day, that small expression of my feelings reach her, whatever she might think or do, it will be ok for me. Saying goodbye is always hard… but I think, she already said goodbye. I don’t know. I’m open for any kind of reaction from her side.

Apart from that, there is not much to tell… I carried that thick arris black stone in my heart way too long. May be I’m just way too verbose with my feelings, but thats what I’ve always been (even if somtimes towards the wrong people) and apart from the fact that I’m just used to tell whats on my mind frankly, it just matches the subtitle of the blog: “Things, one should only think, spoken out”

Theres one of my stars fading again… but I hope, it will be ok…

Farewell, and twinkle, if you don’t mind to :)

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Difficult words: Thank you

Monday, September 12th, 2005

Hi there…
Saturday, on the $Company birthday, all customers were happy… We managed to have coffee and cookies for everyone and all went right. In the evening, the whole staff gathered at “Einstein”, a very nice tavern in the city. It all started great until one of my chefs started a speech that sounded more like “In the last lear, your work wasn’t worth a word, but you have the chance to get better in the next year” than “Thank you for your part in our succsessful last year..” (and it was…). I think its very sad, that he is unable to appreciate our work of the last year, and the fact that we all abdicated our private time. I was nearly crying of anger, when he told me “I often think you are sitting around too much”… He only talked about everyones weak points, not even mentioning, what was ok in the last year. He only mentioned OUR weak points, not his own and he really threw his weight about too much. If he wants us all to act as a team, he shouldn’t do that that much. A team, that is all controlled by a big commander can’t act as a team.
Yes, well, he is unable to appreciate the work of my coworker and mine… Since that moment, it was terrible.

Not much happened yesterday though… I called MaBU (iirc it was the first time I called HIM ;)) and we had a very long talk. In the evening i got sick and still am.

Today the chef of before arranged a briefing at the company, which I think is totally unnecessary. We all know what to do and where to improve, so its totally unnecessary and contraproductive to tell us about our weaknesses over and over again. He doesn’t talk about HIS weaknesses anyway… and believe me, there are some. Its very sad, and in some way, i’m sorry for him. Work would be much easier for us all, if he would just appreciate it. So… i’m very anxious to his talk today.

The Starseeker

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Busy days

Friday, September 9th, 2005

Hi there… lots of things happened the last few days…. since monday, I officially am a student at the university of essen. Yesterday I got my ID-Card and so… its settled ;)

Currently I am at the shot, sorting everything to be prepared for the one year existance of the shop. I’m very busy, so i’m keeping it short.

Cya… til then.

Starseeker

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Hallway Words

Saturday, September 3rd, 2005

Its a bloggers destiny, to talk much, but get less response to the things he or she writes. Thats one thing I learned from my last 49 Posts. Its not bad or something like that, its just, that its not exactly the basis for discussion, I originally wanted ;). I don’t mind, and will go on, broadcasting my thoughts to the net.
With my answering machine, its a very similar thing. I created a statistic among all calles on my vbox since, in June of this year, I started usig it. It recieved 84 calles, 12 recordings had senseful content, all other 72 were empty or had no usable content. Its one out of 7 callers, who really wants to reach me. I hate it. If you ever call me and get the vbox, PLEASE do not just hang up. PLEASE leave a message, even if its just “Hello, $Your_Name here. I wanted to talk to your owner, but its just you, his VBox… i’ll call later, bye” or “Hello, $Your_Name speaking. Would you please call back? Its +49 2020 9415624123. Thank you.”. Or just tell me how much you hate my announcement ;). Thank you.

The Starseeker, sick of hearing people hang up on his vbox.

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Lets Talk

Friday, September 2nd, 2005

There is one thing, I tended to think about in the last days. Its how nerds or freaks in general communicate. I asked myself about blogging many times. I even asked myself, if its necessary, to broadcast my feelings into the net, let everyone read it, etc. I do not want to explain that here and now and I, even less, want legitimate my blog here and now. I just want to tell you all, what development I fearfully noticed.

  • There is too less real face to face communication - That makes conversations flat and even very confusing most of the time. If I want to send my friends information about whats going on on the next weekend, its ok for me to tell them over Instant Messenger (from now on called IM) or my Mail or even by IRC or SMS, BUT: Human communication, from my very own point of view, consists of much more than just words. Its the kind of speech someone pronounces, what he says, theres his face, there are speed, tone and his allround appearance that tell me, how he feels… in general or in the thing he talks about. Over the listes media, for example irony or a joke can be easily misunderstood. Freaks created a new *subtransport* to emulate all the missing face to face communication elements. Smilies or actions are just examples. “I just hate you.” or “I just hate you ;) +hug+” *sound* very different I think.
  • Behaviour in indirect communication can be easily misunderstood - If we have an instand messenger conversation and I leave the PC for a short visit at the toilet or for lunch, I say “afk”, to inform my conversational parner about my absence. I do that, because I, at first, don’t want the other side to feel abandoned or just not taken seriously enough. The biggest misunderstandings in the last year while using internet communication resulted from caro, leaving the computer in a hurry, without leaving a notice (which is absolutely normal, but I had gotten used to people, who leave a notice). One cause for those misunderstandings was, that our appreciation of the talk was very different. I took it like a normal face to face talk, she took the media (in this case an IM) as a media for short information… I guess. People who talk over indirect media too much might, in my opinion, be in danger of loosing sight on the normal communication principles, like the mentioned face to face things. Likewise, people, who are not familiar with the new media communication might be in danger of being easily mistaken or of easily mistake things said. Its a long process…
  • New media communication is much more carefree than face to face - The fact that in the new media communication, people do not have to face each other directly during they talk, the things they say are often said much more carefree. That is sometimes very good, especially when I think of all the mails I had with Hannah, who once was a very good friend of mine, when I had a lot of emotional trouble. Back then I was able to talk freely without being embarressed. Its hard for me to do that in moments of talking face to face. I remember many moments, when I wanted to tell somebody something important, but couldn’t, because I didn’t dare to talk in that situation. I always had to force myself or took the new media way as a fallback. When I look at this, I am a little sad about it, because I like to talk to people, who understand what I am saying very mucht. Especially when I can trust them. Likewise there are easily made vituerpations on new media communications, because we often do not fear the reaction. If we do not want to be confronted with the reaction of the opposite side, we just turn off our mobile, disconnect the computer or hang up. Mails may be deleted unread, IM contacs can be ignored etc. I suppose, we often loose sight of the fact that there (until now) always is a real human on the other side, who can be hurt by words (some more easily than others), actions or just silence. A few months ago, I talked about trouble in the LugX, where a lot of mails were exchanged in a rapidfire discussion. 90% of them were impertinent and totally off topic insults. I was very surprised, ’cause I hadn’t seen this kind of behaviour in the reallife meetings. I think this, and some discussions and shortsighted IRC insult battles (just join a linux channel on freenode IRC and say “I use vi, emacs sucks”. You will probably witness one of the oldest Top10 Flamewars in new media communication, the battle about which editor (vi oder emacs) is best) are one of the best examples for this. Who would do this during a conference? … I don’t know.
  • New Media Communication lacks emotional resonance - If I talk about my feelings over the new media communication transports, there are no ways I can really feel safe or be comforted. It all just seems to be an emulation of real comfort, of real exchange of emotions. Every time I realize, that the one I talked to isn’t really there, I get even more sad or pensive. Its a hard end, if I want to help someone, too. Theres always this “I can’t be there to help you but let me tell you…”-Feeling that keeps me and the person on the other side wondering, why distances even exist. I feel even more helpless, if I know, that the person on the other side is crying and I can’t do anything about it, not even embrace him or her. Its just no use.

    • These are the thougts that go through my head… I hope, next time you talk to someone and just lack words to say the things you want to or if you chat over the internet and you are, again, misunderstood, this can help you. Its all just result of my thoughts, my opinions and free of scientific analysis. Feel free to comment.

    Now… really sleep in peace

    Your Starseeker

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Delays

Thursday, September 1st, 2005

Some things delay these days. The first thing I think of is, that my ordered LAW (I talked about it here before) isn’t going to be the system I reported. The stock of AMD X2 3800+ is dramaticly decreasing and nearly worldwide the CPU is unavailable. I am that certain, excited and straightforward about this new system, that I, today, ordered an AMD X2 4200+ instead, which costs about 100 euros more :(. Sad, but the fact, that soon, 2 64bit processor cores, each with 2200Mhz tune my audio to its best is very very… nice ;).

The second one that is delayed, and the one that means much much more to me, is my mind. The Pixies once sung “Where is my mind?”. I wanted to ask the same question, but noone answered. The only one, who could have answered that question, my mind, seems to be out on vacation or something like that, so noones there… its a vicious circle. I seem to be unable to think of anything right now. Perhaps, too much stress, too less relaxing. I am way too hard to myself these days, I think.

Another thing that is still delayed is my timing… I tried to record a melody, that was on my mind. Because I never played any Piano, even not an electronic one, I am very unexperienced with such. Thereby the record, naturally, failed. I will work on it. (the fact, that I do not have a MIDI keyboard and thereby have to play it on the normal computer keyboard isn’t very supporting to the recording quality either)

Have a good night my friends.

The Starseeker

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