Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, my fellow crawlbots…

…and it just started. In the last year while I was working for that beautiful company ™, my impression of a weekend was massively revolved. Now, my week goes from Tuesday to Saturday and my weekend starts Sunday and ends Monday, if it starts… because sometimes, as you might guess, it doesn’t start at all. The current week seems to get a mess. Its hard to define, why I think so, but I do. Today, I got nothing done at the company and even if all the things I hoped for (not quite all but all material things) arrived already today, I feel like the whole me is missing. It has nothing to do with the weather and it keeps that way since about 5 Weeks now. Feeling tired, when getting up and going to bed, perhaps, might be normal, but feeling tired all time between, perhaps isn’t that well. I don’t want to be tired all along.

The last 3 nights, I closed the blinds… it’s been a while, since i’ve done that but my sleep was great. I hope it gets better with my current situation while I sleep. The dreams I dream at night speak a different language, than the things, that happen to me during the days. They give me the hope to go on. And my trust into dreams and their message starts to come back… the fear steps back further and further and thats a goot thing to feel.
If you don’t remember or don’t know, there is something you have to know, to understand, why I was afraid of dreams and still am a bit. There was a time, when my dreams were very realistic and seemed like the days I lived. In one dream, a good friend of mine committed suicide, right in front of me. She jumped down a tower in a big big forest. Two weeks later, I got a letter from her mother, telling me, that she had commited suicide… she jumped out of the window of their flat. Thats why… and even if it sounds easy to overcome… it was very much a shock for me.

Since that time, i’m writing poems, to get rid of those latent thoughts… that might crystalize in dreams like those.

See the stars, until we meet again.
The Starseeker

Hm… I hope, I didn’t shock you too much with that headline… I shocked myself also, but don’t be afraid, I wont stop living, blogging or loving, I just closed that big big open chapter in my life with the title “My passion for Caro”. Its some kind of sad, cause there was very much laughing and smiling inside… but there isn’t a person in this world, I spent more tears for, than her. Because I realized, that I feel a lot of pain, every time I browse that pages of my book of life, I, some weeks ago wrote that collection of thoughts (in german)
, that I, today, published on my Poetry portal. Its not that I push her to read it, I don’t even believe that would work. I just carry that hope in my heart, that, one day, that small expression of my feelings reach her, whatever she might think or do, it will be ok for me. Saying goodbye is always hard… but I think, she already said goodbye. I don’t know. I’m open for any kind of reaction from her side.

Apart from that, there is not much to tell… I carried that thick arris black stone in my heart way too long. May be I’m just way too verbose with my feelings, but thats what I’ve always been (even if somtimes towards the wrong people) and apart from the fact that I’m just used to tell whats on my mind frankly, it just matches the subtitle of the blog: “Things, one should only think, spoken out”

Theres one of my stars fading again… but I hope, it will be ok…

Farewell, and twinkle, if you don’t mind to