Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, my fellow crawlbots…

My fellow friends, the last two weeks were terrible. Too much work, too less time to think and absolutely no day, on which I didn’t have to work. Yesterday, it was sunday, I got many calls from a friens of the family, complaining about a toner, he bought at our shop. He asked, if I could come by. Terrible. (of course I did not come by)
Apart from all the work, yesterday, I took my time to get into short stories again. I wrote two (one is a book that will be continued, one is a single) of those and am proud of them, because I think, that they are not bad. German readers are perhaps able to enjoy reading them on my Public Short Story portal (Stories.JPN), the Ebook here, the other story here. Both happen not to be very funny.
Its time to get to work again. Even that one free day of the week, my chef took from me to set up another server for our company, because he wants to sell the “old” one (which is a Celeron D 2.66). He made me replace it with a 2x 450Mhz P2 aginst my will. The “new” one takes more than twice the power of the “old” one… but I don’t pay the bills, so nevermind.

Have a nice day and please please talk to Hyatt, cause I’ve been very busy lately. Maybe someone can tell her, that i’ll give her fresh water later on? Thank you!

The Starseeker

I sometimes think, what might be, if I weren’t alone… what would I do? With whom would I be? When I do that, I often get very melancholic and quiet. Yesterday, while driving the last damned screws into a system, I had to build (I again was alone at the shop) the doorbell rang and a customer entered the shop. I was just thinking about all that stuff, that goes through my head these days and thereby very apathic. I walked through that green curtain, that divides the room into a shop area and a personell only work area. Then I saw her. She was standing there, gazing out of the window with her cute little head and didn’t notice me a few seconds. I welcomed her and asked, how I could help her. She smiled at me and asked for floppies. Sadly, we didn’t have any left and I searched the whole shop for some old and used ones. I found 4 and handed them out to her, what made her smile even more (with a gratefulness that i’ve never seen before). She thanked me and, after asking if she could bring her PC for a checkup, left the shop. I was smiling the whole rest of the day (and so it was very fine).
She seemed some years older than I am… and even if she comes back, there is no use of dreaming of her, but I just want to thank that strange girl for being there yesterday and make my day shine. She might have been one of those people, that visit you in the moment, when you are in the worst mood. She might have been one of the stars, I’m looking for.. maybe even more than that. Those rare moments are those, I’m living for, that make me smile again and give me the courage to go on.
These moments make me think about, if it was just a coincedence or if it was something else, whatever. Its strange… really strange.

When I walked home form work today, I had my iPod on again and was walking through the park while listening to Keane. I had the volume at max and although I was walking very slowly I approached a girl (about my age) and her granny, who were waling in front of me. When I was about 40m behind them, the girl turned around, looked at me and said something to her granny, she also turned and looked at me. Both stopped walking and waited until I had passed them. Then they walked on. While I was walking, I looked at the girls face… she was crying and her eyes were red, cause she reamed here eyes very much. I was sorry for her and I must have made a very strange look. She looked away and I walked on. I am still sorry for her…
In this situation, there were two questions on my mind. The first one.. why was that girl (she looked very nice, she had a beautiful face and you would perhaps also hate, to see her cry) crying? The other one… why did they stop and let me walk on by?! Do I have a THAT scary face? … sad. I know, that I should not care that much about the problems of people, I don’t even know but its something I seem to be helpless against… I am scared of breaking myself with that attitude… infixable… invisible, but feelable.

The light of the brightest star can’t reach you, if it is too far away.

See you all… the Starseeker

When will it stop? Thats the question, I ask myself these days way too often. Its because there is too much work and too little appreciation for my work. An example: Today, on the place, where all the system parts in the state “to be built” are aggregated, 2 large stacks of hardware were standing, no report, no order, nothing. Because I was alone (again) at the shop and there was very few to do, I started building them. Thats very normal, because we have, compared to the number of techicans (that is… two) a very high troughput of self-built systems and so there is no time for questions. NORMALLY, only ordered (and assured) system parts are stored in that area of my workspace by my chefs but TODAY it was different. My chef, who does all the head technician stuff is on vacation, so my (in these means) less experienced chef currently has to make it. He often seems very carefree, when talking about rules he set up by himself earlier. So… these two stacks where at my workplace (as he ordered “to be built”-stacks to be) and I started, turning them into ready machines. When I had already finished the first one and were about to finish the second one, my chef came back and was like “Oh my GOD! What did you do? These weren’t to be built! There were not even ordered…”. In my perplexity of the moment I asked him “Why then are those two damned stacks on the ‘TO BE _BUILT_’ Area of my workspace??” … and he .. “Well I was in a hurry, and a customer asked me to prepare everything for him to pick tose systems up. But i’m not sure he will.” Ahh… getting closer. But still i am very disappointed. He always wants us all to do our work autonomous, but he doesn’t provide the information, necessary for that and, even worse, failes to comply to the rules he sets up for us.

These days I am at the company from early morn’ till past 9:00PM… I work… and I work to be able to pay my audio equiptment… but still, I’m not respected as a worker but still just as a boy for everything. Often i am interrupted while doing something, that is on shedule to “Just set this RAM into the PC of my friend” or “Install the printer for customer XY very fast” for this guy. Next time I will tell him, whats my shedule like. I often don’t even have time for a lunch break and I start to hate work with this chef. He thinks he’s the great deal, but he isn’t. Thats enough of that for today… ’cause there are other things on my mind today, that are more important to me.

There days, when time gets crunshed into pieces and waves of frustration and disappointingness clash together above my head, I finally realize, how alone I am in my inner soul. Well, I have my friends, those who read that blog, those who don’t… and yes, i have many people to talk to, but every time I hear someone talk about “we” or “my girlfriend” with a smile, everything crashes down on me again. I often ask myself if its my fault… even if I don’t even have a single second in one week to get to know new people… of if its just the situation….but I beg every star on heaven, may it fall down on me, to be loved, to get to know the real me. I feel so uncomfortable these days, and with every day, I get more tired of that lonelyness. And sorry for those, who read this again and again and again… but thats the thing, that moves my heart since years. Noone wants to be loved by me… and nobody even wanted to try. Its something I often cry about these days.

While today, everything at work went well, the customer, who’s PC I had to build (the missing part, you might remember?!) didn’t show up at last and there were about 5 customers, so everything was really quiet.

But i want to tell you a story, that happened yesterday in the shop and made me really mad. A guy recently bought an old PIII700 that we still had rotting around for about 30 Euros or something like that. He didn’t have any monitor for that, so he asked us to get a used old one. So, a few days ago, we dissolved one Workplace and turned it into a packaging area, so that fully intact 17″CRT, which was standing there since middle 2004 was free. We made him come across to pick it up for another 20 Euro, that he paid. He’d just left the shop when we heard a terrible *WHAM* from outside the front window… and as we looked, that guy was standing in front of his new (now broken) monitor which fell off his bike. Perhaps I have to tell you, that he is really poor and was happy to be able to bring up the money for that used monitor. I hate it when these people are chased by bad luck. But me and my chef Marc decided to get him an new one for free and take back the broken one.

Thats all for now… see you then
your Starseeker

Hi again…

since its a busy day, I have many thinks to talk about, even if time is rare. I’m currently waiting for a delivery from our distributor (while reading stephs blog), that should send us a Mainboard and a CPU for a system we have to build. I built the system to the point where i need the missing parts, so i have a little time now. My notebook tunes in the Secret Sound Service, a perfect webradio for moments I have to concentrate or even if i want to relax. Its electronic ambient/Lounge music and, looking to the systems quality, cabeling etc, it also seems to enhace my productivity :). Now there is only the Trans-o-Flex guy missing. Where the hell might he got stuck?!

What I forgot to talk about was my room… lately I’ve been embarressed about how it looked when I got visitors. It was a whole bunch of stuff, scattered all over the place with absolutely NO system. So I decided about 3 Weeks ago, to clean up. After another week, cleaning was all finished and now I am living in a more tidy place. The result was: Over 100kg of defective electronic parts, 120kg of paper, 80kg plastic trash and about 80m unneded cables where discarded. I cleaned EVERYTHING and am now happy with the results :). I even fixed my VERY broken wardrobe and placed a plant on it. You might have noticed her in my blog already, since she is writing here, too in moments, when i don’t look after my PC (i might think over changing my passwords). I named her Hyatt and she is “made” out of 10 bamboo sticks. Please be nice to her.

So… I’ll now wait on for the Trans-o-Flex guy and the friend, who wanted to visit me.

Have a nive day… have a nice star.

I’m a lazy guy, so its no use to scold me to write ;). Its something you can’t even force yourself to. If theres nothing to write, theres just nothing to do about it. But i’ll give you a close overview. After the guys of the company advanced me to being the chief ebay asshole (sorry for that, but its just a junk job, you get lots of money for), they decided that I should have my own Notebook for company work (i actually like my iBook very much, but my iBook doesn’t like our evil Windows Fileserver, so my chefs don’t like my iBook… and yes, its that easy ;)). But because the notebook i should get was broken, they advanced me to the chief notebook repair service caller, then to the head packager and THEN finally, while still waiting for my more or less precious company notebook to return from service, to the chief ebay asshole. Thats what I call career, my friends (or call it “letting oneself push around too much”)!

On this weekend some Friends of the local LUG and I tried to create a directed WLan Link from my house to the place we commonly meet. Thats the conference room of a not so near (some people, coming from bigger cities, please excuse that I describe that 1.3 Kilometers as a “not so near” distance) bank, we have been allowed to use. You can see a picture of that distance HERE and mind the picture size, its HUGE!. We bought some stuff we needed to build a Helix-Antenna, but weren’t able to finish. Some plugs were missing.

Today I changed my ISP, ordered a root server and damned the weather. The sun shines and its terribly muggy all over the place. I can hardly breathe (what might still have other, more psychical causes) in this waether and want to take a shower every 20 minutes… but with drying my hair this could easily become a shower loop. And there mothers rolling pin would hit me twice… once for the water bill, once again for my hair in the shower ;). But that all can be helped.

I hope you’ll all have a nice week… see you then!

…left less space for the things, happened yesterday. Its was somehow sad, but also long needed. Its like that, that we often even don’t know what we expect to happen to get happy.
Yesterday was the first day of Caros Abitur exams and I asked her to drink a coffee with me after her first exam. The school is right beside the shop where I work, so that hadn’t been much afford, but a lot of fun. I usually start working 12:00 these days but I was at the shop at 10:00 already, to meet Caro if she finishes earlier. It was all dark at the shop and Marc (one chef of mine) hadn’t yet arrived, so I stood in front of the main window and waited… waited for her to show up. During that i listened to a very good CD, i even got yesterday…. one song sais “She has no time” … and made me somehow feel sad. I wished that she would just come around the corner with a smile on her face, but she didn’t … . I was standing there until at around 11:00 Marc arrived and we started working. As we unpacked the packages with deliveries, she passed by the window, with a face that nearly made me cry… but she went further to the city, didn’t remember my question… it made me so sad that whole day.

At work i reorganized all the cables, which kept me from thinking, i repaired some systems, which also kept me from thinking. Thinking about people you like can kill you, i’m sure. So i didn’t think about that the whole day, but felt very sad.

At home, i talked to my very best friend, and she and i decided to change our whole life into something we can get happy with. I also talked to her about Caro and my feelings, but i think its just a question of time, if i can ever talk to her without falling in love again.
We both decided to look after each other… and i am very happy to have her as a friend. So thank you for saving my life again

Till then, its just me and my stars again…

After calling my employer, I got free for today. Its just today, but it will give me enough time to tidy up my room a bit and relax my back (uhh… it still really hurts!). Its time to tidy up some things in a bigger context, tough.

Sorry, I promised to write something every day, but it didn’t work. Theres so much work to do and I may be unable to write something until Saturday. See you all Then!

Hi everybody, this is me again. What happened today… was just another day at work. Perhaps you still don’t know where i am working, but ther will be more details, if you read on. Perhaps i’ll be able to make pictures, but probably I wont, because some things are just too scary to look at them.
I am an assistant worker at a computer shop in my hometown. I always do a lot of things there, like today. Caring four our worshiped customers, doing shipping, managing repairs and so on, so today. I’m telling you, you should never, and I say it again just for you, NEVER start working at a company, that sells cheap stuff on Ebay ;), because that can stress you seriously.
Now i’m sitting here in my room and do friendship care over IRC, which can’t sadly be done during work.

See you all then, my fellow stars